"Feed the Birds"

When I was growing up at my Grandmother's there was always something that needed done. Amongst all the crap that had to be done, one of my daily duties was to feed the birds. I sincerely hated it.

1. These birds are not pets. Why are we feeding them?

2. Aren't these wild birds supposed to be able to fend for themselves? We are crippling their chances for survival!

3. Don't these things migrate? We're basically creating a seasonal invasive species by incentivizing no migration.

I could go ON. My Grandmother had between 8-10 birdfeeders all around the house and gardens. Rain or shine those stupid things would need to be filled. I also had no problem registering my protests and reminding her how stupid this practice was. Didn't matter. She was in charge and her rule was those birds would get fed. I did it. Even when she wasn't home, I did it. It was important to her and I respected her as much as I loved her. For a long time the plan was that I would start a family and move to the farm. Obviously that never happened, but I wondered if I would still feed the birds.

I don't think I would.

Over the years I have struggled with nostalgia. I often find it incredibly difficult to look back at the things that made me happy for a time. It literally makes me anxious. The idea of opening a photo album makes me feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. Doing something "for her memory" would be something that continues to make me sad more than a motivation to move on. If I was going to feed those birds it would have to be because I want to, and THAT would be a cold day in hell.

I think if you were to ask her why feeding the birds was such a priority for her I think she'd tell you something simple. "Jesus teaches 'that which you do to the least of my creatures, that you do to me.'" Or something along those lines. She always kept things simple. Whether she would admit it or not, she strived to be Zen. Outstandingly caring while being completely detached. Acknowledging the emotional volume of a situation without being overwhelmed by it. Zen can't stop the boredom though. As she became less physically able her weekly chore sheet got shorter and shorter. Even fewer and fewer feeders. Down to mainly the ones she could see in the sunroom. If you ask me, it simply made her happy. The birds chirping, their colors as they'd fly about, she just loved it. And I think in her mind that was selfish. It wasn't some karmic debt to Jesus, it was something that made her happy.

I feel like I get that same happiness from thinking. Just taking an idea and thinking it to death. For the longest time I couldn't have fun thinking. My mindset had to constantly be, "get out of this hole". Now that I'm out of it my time is my most valuable asset and the best thing I can do with it is let my mind wander. Which is also what this blog is for. An opportunity to collect my thoughts as I toy with them. I don't intend to get deep or emotional. That's not fun. General philosophizing and reflection are my favorite forms of introspection. Challenging thoughts from every angle until what's left is either profound or absurd. I'm often told one of my most unique characteristics are my perspectives. How I think about things is consistently what stands out about me. So here I am! Thinking! Right out where anyone can see! Just cause it's what makes me happy. No greater purpose. Just a mental playground for myself.

I have no idea what to do with my YouTube channel. I stream VERY rarely. There are no games I'm playing that I want to stream and I have zero desire to make contemplative video essays. Did a couple and it was NO fun. When The One Piece comes out maybe I'll do some reaction videos but that is literally the only thing I can think of "project" related I would do with my YouTube channel. Maybe even season 3 of the live action is something I could do, but if I cry on camera I just can't ever look another person in the eye again. Not looking for mass public embarassment. Something to ponder on.

For now, this is the first time in a long time I'm doing something just for the fun of it. Not for growth, not for karmic balance, just very very.......bored. Like most philosophers, I think.