Life without struggle

I struggle with the notion of having no goals. I've been living on my own since 2014 and I feel like my life has been nothing but goals. Especially in April 2015 when I lost my job at a local CrossFit gym. I went back to personal training and my life became even MORE about goals. I needed to have personal goals that would validate my position as a fitness professional, I had client goals I needed to make to ensure I had enough money each month, all while trying to have SOME form of self care. Training for a marathon wasn't exactly something I could do without recovery.

Once 2020 hit everything changed. I was losing money every month. Nothing that I did was enough to keep myself afloat over the years. I did anything I could think of until 2025 when I realized it was time to give up on owning my business. Fortunately I recognized the writing on the wall and by the time I stopped working with one-on-one clients I was in a more professional fitness setting, working at Orange Theory Fitness.

Since then life has felt simple, to the degree that I feel spoiled. My work is fantastic, my income and cost of living balance has never been more in my favor; I genuinely couldn't ask for a better life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not living like if I had won the lottery. Just because I love my job doesn't mean it doesn't drain me. Even so, my stress level is a .2 out of 10. I say that I'm bored but that is a bit facetious. I have plenty to keep me busy, I just feel I should be more stressed about doing it. My opportunities to stop and smell the roses are turning me into a botanist. I love it.

It leaves me in an odd place mentally. I really have zero goals. Short term or long term. The only thing that would be a "goal" is to do my weight training 3-4 times a week. 2 upper body days and 1-2 lower body days. I don't have any fitness goals as far as lifts or distance events. I'm working out to keep my muscles engaged and burn some calories while I do my intermittent fasting. So I guess I lied, my one goal for this year is to get below 20% body fat. Outside that I have no real motivation.

I did a couple weeks ago. It was an event that gave me tons of motivation. There would be a 5-day meet & greet that would take place on a cruise March 2027. It took me a couple days to decide, and ultimately I decided I'd get my ticket. I realized that I had nothing to lose and that this may be a one time opportunity that I'd kick myself in the butt for missing out on. I bought my ticket. It would be 11 months before the cruise which would be MORE than enough time for me to be the best version of myself for the cruise. I set up my fasting schedule, got a swimsuit and took progress pictures, it was the most excited I've been for ANYthing in years. Not even about meeting the "stars", but getting to meet other fans that might become a digital pen pal.

Within 24 hours the event headliner got cold feet and pulled the plug. The cruise was cancelled. I can't even describe my disappointment. At the same time I had already gone through the process of getting myself on this program. Just because the cruise was cancelled wasn't a reason to stop my program. So I'm still working it. Still, I am simply going through the motions. Doing it because it's good for me and for now it still feels good. As long as I don't start measuring my performance I can find enjoyment in my workouts. Trying to work toward a one-rep max is just not a stress I want to put onto myself.

I've thought about just taking a different vacation but there is literally nothing I can find that I'd invest my time into. My honeymoon was at an all-inclusive resort and I LOVED it but that's because I was drunk 85% of the time. My ideal vacation is in fact, a staycation. Just being at home in my space with absolutely no intrusions on my time. When I travel I want to be out all the time doing something and resorts aren't great for that. I have a plan that in maybe 3-5 years I'll take a trip to Japan. I'm going to pay top dollar for a completely planned trip, probably about $10k, that I'm saving up for now.

So there are my goals: <20% body fat sometime this year and a 10 day trip to Japan before I'm 50. Even the goal to bring my body fat down requires LESS effort as opposed to more.

Starting a relationship has never been less of a priority. Without a doubt I need more friends in my life and people I can just text/talk to. A relationship is an actual level of commitment. Even though I know a relationship would be a good thing, it would jeopardize the peace that I've got now. My life isn't perfect, but it's like a 9.75 out of 10 in my book.

When I was a kid I spent tons of time on my own. My mom worked until 8:00pm most nights. I'd get home from school, do my chores, make my dinner and do whatever until I went to bed. That usually ended up being riding my bike or walking around the neighborhood. I remember seeing how stressed my mom was and how hard she worked. I thought to myself "Life won't always be this easy. Some day life will be this CONSTANT effort." Now, here I am. Grasping at some kind of goal for my days to revolve around.

Within a year or so I'll probably get a dog. That will be something that will take up lots of time and energy without taking stability away from my life. If anything it will require more of it without the need for performance based goals. It's not like I want a dog so I will walk more.

I have no direction but I'm not lost. It is such a confounding place to be. By all standards I have reached my final destination. If a woman moved in and my expenses were cut in half, I seriously don't know what I'd do with my disposable income. Buy a hotel? I've been playing a lot of Monopoly. At minimum I'm putting $500 in my savings each month. I'm already passed what I had saved up in 2019, so that goal has already been met and surpassed. I just don't know what my motivation can be.

I feel like there has been a dinner party. Not a monumental one, just one everybody will go to. I ended up getting there late and missing dinner, but I managed to get food and eat it on the way. So.....WHAT ELSE IS THERE?? What am I missing at this party??