A Crisis of Comfort

It seems all this boils down to one question: What do you do when you "find yourself"?

I find myself wondering if I am just wasting my life. Most of my days run together. For the most part it's just the same thing over and over. Even my workouts change very little. I rewatch my favorite shows and replay my favorite games. I am off 4 days and work Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. By the time I go to work on Thursday I feel like I squandered all 4 days off. It feels like I have to try and do more next time. "More" of what, I don't know.

Then I have to remind myself that this was kind of the goal all along. I have enough money, MORE than enough time, it's just that I don't know what to do with it. I genuinely LOVE rewatching my favorite shows. Always have. I'd rather watch my favorite episode for the 100th time than start the new hot show. Same with my workouts, I am intentionally doing the same movements each week. It's not because I'm bored. It's because I am in maintenance mode. Every week is like a 4 day staycation. I end every day with a smile. On the one hand this is the life I have been struggling for over the last 10-11 years.

On the other hand this was NOT how I saw my life turning out. Starting a family was my childhood dream. Getting married and having kids was the only thing I wanted in my life. Marriage happened, but the kids did not. In MANY ways I am very thankful for that. Being a parent ain't what it used to be and I am glad that monumental stress isn't in my life. I think it would crush me. Because of that I'm not really sure where romance would fit into my life. Over the last few years I've realized that starting a family isn't anything I want, but a partner would still provide much needed stability. Ideally a romantic relationship with a woman but even having someone I trusted enough to be a roommate would have changed everything. I never expected being in a situation where I would be financially stable without help. So without needing a relationship for financial stability or starting a family, what is there? Romance? I guess. Do people still start relationships just because of liking a person? I'm pretty certain there is always an ulterior motive. I don't even think that's bad. I do think it's essential to know what your personal ulterior motive is, otherwise things are not going to end well. Even then, I'm not sure I would want my peace disturbed by the expectations or needs of someone else. I'm so cozy in my comfort zone I don't want to budge.

This is the first I've had real peace in my life. It's so hard to remember that. There is this idea that comfort is the enemy because progress in any fashion is uncomfortable. If you're comfortable you must be lazy, or dumb, or antisocial. I am constantly challenging these thoughts about myself. If I hadn't had so many experiences in my life I'd feel like I should make up for lost time. I don't though. I have experienced plenty! Redefining my comfort zone was basically my favorite pass-time after I graduated high school. My motto was "Do everything once" and I pretty much lived with that in mind. Met people I would have never met, been placed I'd have never been, and did things I'd have never done without making myself step outside my comfort zone. It is, however, EXHAUSTING.

Something else I felt during that time was that I did not have a "destination". I was looking for new experiences to learn something about myself. Using these experiences to discover what I want my life to be. How I want it to feel. Based on that..... I want to be a complete hermit. I know what I like, and it is caaaaalm.

I am used to training like a powerlifter. Spend hours upon hours conditioning my muscles, nervous system, and tendons to endure 60-90 seconds of extreme intensity. This is more like being in a 100 mile race. You can't think about mile 100. You have to focus on the mile you're on and how you make sure you make it to the next mile. If you even THINK about how many miles or hours you have left the psychic damage will disrupt your physical performance.

I've been looking for some kind of destination all my life. I ended up finding one I never expected. Trying to go from searching to building is foreign to me. Going from constant progression to enjoying my trophies on the shelf. I literally don't know how to do it. I guess I should spend more time reflecting on what I'm writing rather than repeating it over and over again.