Relationships

I've mentioned that I have an unhealthy dynamic between my work establishing my value. If I'm happy with my work, I'm allowed to be happy in life. There is another area that tends to effect my value even more. When I'm in a relationship with a woman, I'm a different person. Ever since I was a kid I felt this hollowness inside me. This ache I can never alleviate on my own. When I'm in a relationship, that emptiness is gone. The trust, the love, the companionship; it has traditionally been the cure for that ache.

I was married once. Without a doubt the best years of my life. I've never been happier. She ended up leaving me for another man. We were together for 5 years, married for 3. After that my only other relationship was a roughly 2 year long affair which I was the other man. She decided not to leave her husband, and that was around 2017. I've gone on dates. It's just not the same these days.

In large part, I've just been single so long. There's a song called "Kickback" by Kenshi Yonezu. It's mostly about trying to keep up with societal stress, and there is a line that goes: "I just want to be satisfied doing the bare minimum." That line has almost become the motto for my life. I feel like it has become my philosophy for relationships as well. I don't know how to give my space. My time. My self.

I used to see relationships as a respite from this hollowness I feel. Now I see relationships as my downfall. The rejection, the abandonment, is more than I can take. I feel a fear of that loss. Don't get me wrong. I had my own hand in the ending of these relationships. I made mistakes. But the idea that THAT'S enough. That second chances don't come my way stops me dead in my tracks. I think I've lost any ability to trust that someone will accept me enough to forgive me. I'm reminded of the Hedgehog's Dilemma. As two hedgehogs wish to get closer to each other, they end up causing harm with their spines. The pain that accompanies that closeness is more than I can bear.

Being satisfied doing the minimum has made it hard to share my life as well. I'm able to do what I feel like doing at any time. Not that I do tremendous amounts with my time, but I'm able to live on a whim. Having to dedicate so much of my energy to the expectations of someone else sounds so exhausting. I convince myself it's not worth it before I've tried.

If I'm being selfish I want someone I can text with. Someone I can talk with. Open up to. On my time. At my leisure. I've mentioned the woman I dated that talked about having people in her circle and looking for people in her bubble. I know there are people around me that care. That will catch me before I fall and I am thankful for that. Plenty of people are in my circle. What I don't have are those people that are close to me. People that I allow myself to trust. Not with romantic intention. Just to let people in.

Frederick Nietzsche discussed the idea of the Ubermench (Overman). This final stage of self actualization. The idea of the Overman is that no matter where you find yourself, if this moment lasted for eternity you wouldn't be overcome. No matter how difficult, no matter how unfair, the Overman will choose to flourish. I also think of the story of Sysiphus. A mortal king who regularly tricked the gods. His sentence in the afterlife was to push a boulder up a hill that would roll back down for all eternity. His last trick on the gods was to find pleasure in his sentence. I often wonder if every day for the rest of my life felt like this. If I can roll that boulder up the hill with a smile on my face. I just don't think I could. I don't know what I want, but it isn't this.

"It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." Get OUT of here with that. I said that the years I was with my wife were the best of my life, and I stand by that. My wedding day was a dream come true. HOWEVER; these memories are no longer a source of joy. They are memories tainted in sadness, loss, and confusion. Events that reduced me to my lowest points. These lows are too low. I can't go there again.

Recently I acquired a number of paintings from my step-dad. When I saw the painting pictured it struck me. If I saw this painting when I was younger it would fill me with hope. A picture of the life I always dreamed of. Now all I see is pain. A dog that will die someday. A partner I can't feel close to because at best death will tear us apart. I look at this piece and I long to feel differently. Hopefully someday I will.