A Fresh Start

I really wanted to be done with these. Throughout the years I've wanted to find that skill that makes me special. I knew it would be in fitness, and I finally found it: I'm a teacher. A damn good one. I found this thing I could do and figured I'd hone that skill as I grew.

Now, I find myself at another fork in the road. Neither that I would take, but I have no real choice. I'm giving up what I'm good at for something I know nothing about. No clue whether I will ever be any good at it, or if my level of "good enough" will be good enough for the organization. There is anxiety, based on nothing, that I can't rationalize my way out of. It's always worse in your mind, but how do you push back on these irrational thoughts when they seem so rational?

If I look at my experience I'll be fine. Anything I've ever put my mind to I excel at. Even doing machine programming, I had the skills but lacked the imagination. Assuming there are clear expectations and explanations I will crush it. So why is my stomach doing somersaults? Why is it so hard to eat and sleep? Why can't I believe in my skills? Sure, I'm my own worst critic. This feels different. This feels like I've failed before I've started. Based, again, on NOTHING.

I'm jealous of the oblivious confidence I see in others. Their ability to clock in and get the job done. I walk through Kroger and see all these people working at their job. I know that I'm not any less intelligent or capable than any of these people, but I feel like they are lightyears ahead of me. Like all I will do at this job is embarrass myself.

Maybe this is the hardest reset I've ever done. Stepping away from a job that I'm not only good at, but that I love to do, might be so rattling to my confidence that I just don't believe in myself. I don't know if there has ever been a time in my life that I've pivoted specifically to something I've got no experience with. I've stepped outside my comfort zone plenty, but there is still SOME zone of comfort I can find. Not right now. I feel like I found myself in a foreign country and I can't speak the language.

Crossing thresholds has never troubled me. I remember when I graduated high school. After the ceremony I went to my buddy's house like always, and I sat there thinking "Nothing has changed. I'm exactly the same as I was before." Thinking about it, the only time I felt like this was after my divorce. It was a civil separation but I had no idea how I was going to make it. I found myself making choices I didn't want to make, but now I didn't have a choice. Maybe that's what makes this so uncomfortable. Little bit of PTSD bouncing around my head.

Nothing lasts forever. This anxiety will pass. I'll go in for training, I'll learn the trade, and I will do my best. That's all I CAN do. And it eats at me. The minutes refuse to pass, the food makes me sick, and the bed is too soft. Waiting for tomorrow feels like I just realized I'm halfway through a Spartan Race and I DREAD that second half.

Maybe it's that this feels like my last shot. That I HAVE to make this work. This is as low as I can go, and if I can't do this there's nothing else.

Or maybe it's the death of purpose. For years I've been looking for direction. Something to work towards that wasn't performance fitness. My joints just can't take it anymore. Even though I couldn't find that personal motivation, I had pride because I could see what I taught grow in people. That their strength, nutrition, and wellness would improve because of my ability to teach and communicate. My experiences made me an exceptional teacher. Truly, it's food for my soul to see someone apply what I teach AND to see their quality of life improve because of it. It's not me, it's a partnership, and it's glorious. Now, those times are gone. My role as a teacher seems farther than ever.

At the same time, there is a chance for growth. I have ALWAYS defined my quality by my work. Ever since I started in fitness I was setting goals not to get by, but to validate my existence. If I was strong enough or conditioned enough, then I had meaning. Then I "deserved" to be in the fitness industry. Now is a chance to define myself outside what I do for a living. I started a Youtube channel years ago posting breaking down "positive" quotes. I'm thinking of doing that again. Maybe I don't teach as much, but by sharing my thoughts I can still have some kind of helpful influence. Thinking is a skill, one I overuse if you can't tell.

There was a woman I dated once who described what she was looking for in a brilliant way. She said she had people in her circle, she was looking for people to be in her bubble. We stopped talking after 2 weeks BUT that has stuck with me. Orange Theory put amazing people in my circle but my bubble didn't change. Not that it should have. I think part of being a good professional is keeping work AWAY from your bubble. Now might be an opportunity to make deeper friendships since I don't have that professional barrier.

Life is a mystery from here. I don't know where I'll go or what I'll end up doing. The only certainty is uncertainty. I find myself so afraid of the future. Then I remind myself, bravery isn't the lack of fear, but the ability to act in spite of it. I'm afraid of tomorrow. And the day after. And the day after. But I know who I am. In spite of that fear, I'll take one step after another and live my purpose. Nothing has changed. I'm exactly as I was before.

Update: I had my first shift at Kroger. The first few hours were mind numbing work on the computer but once I got moving, things seemed to go well! It's mind numbing work, but that's what I wanted. The people were nice and helpful. They seemed happy to work with someone who wants to do well. I can see myself getting "good" at what I do. Recognizing packages and stuff. Not easy, but with enough time the familiarity with the store will come. I have a couple later shifts this week, we'll see if anything changes in the evening hours.

I wouldn't go as far as to say I'm excited, but a big portion of that anxiety I felt has diminished. Now I know this is something I can do. I'm glad the future doesn't feel as frightening.