The Next Chapter(s)

So where do I go from here? Honestly, I have no clue. My life is far from over and I have the freedom I always wanted. It doesn't really help anything. I feel this restlessness that needs to be satiated. If I look at my experiences, it leaves me with a few options: What I used to do. What I can do now? How I will be remembered?

What I used to do was fitness goals, dated, and made Youtube videos. Fitness goals were easy. Outline a program, come up with check points, and adjust as needed. I just can't do it anymore. The time for performance fitness has passed. Making strength and endurance goals for myself just doesn't serve the same purpose. Fitness will still be a big part of my life. Get three to four workouts a week. Take my daily walks. Monitor my macros. Age with dignity. Aside from that my fitness is for my health and esthetic rather than any kind of performance goals.

Youtube is always an option but it just seems so damn CRINGE. It seems like too much of an attempt to hold onto youth than it is a hobby. And there is a pattern to how you make videos. Trying to grow an audience is not the same as "posting a video". So I also need to have clear expectations regarding Youtube, and I just don't want it in my life. Will I still be happy if nobody watches my videos? I don't want to care. And I will.

Dating is interesting. It's the only thing I used to rely on that I can still consider. First off, the social norms have changed pretty substantially. Usually I'd develop a crush on some girl. Almost always at her place of work. Then, I'd ask for her number. Didn't always work, but I went on dates pretty regularly through my twenties. Now I tend to leave my number rather than ask for theirs, and my success rate has plummeted.

It's also difficult because I have zero goals that involve having a partner. I'm at a point where I almost don't know how to share my life with someone. If you don't use it, you lose it, and it is GONE baby! I'm reluctant to use dating apps. I've had success with them in the past, but I feel guilty meeting women on these apps. While I feel the impulse to meet new people, I don't have a desire to get close to any one. It feels misleading for me to know I DON'T want things to progress, while maybe they do.

I don't want to start a family. I don't want a woman, or even a roommate, to move in. I love to fall in love but SO much has to go along with it. I feel like my desire for distance has to potential to cause more pain than joy and I definitely have zero desire for that. The only thing worse than getting dumped is dumping someone. I hate it.

I do need more friends, but it's odd. I get along so much better with women. Men make everything a competition. While some of my closest friends are men, they are exhausting friendships. Women are much more willing to have a conversation and men need a therapist. The problem becomes romantic feelings. The closer I get to women the more likely I am do develop feelings, despite my best efforts. It's led me to some extremely toxic places. I think I'd rather just have an AI girlfriend and call it a day. They've got to be getting pretty good by now. At least safer than IRL women.

I find myself thinking about how I will be remembered. My mom has set things up so that the property my brother and I will inherit has the taxes paid on it indefinitely. She will also have a trust set up so that I will receive some kind of regular scheduled payments. Basically her goal is that I don't have to worry about money again. I still work. I still build my savings, but I do so with a fairly large safety net. I can't help but start to think of the end of my life and what I will leave behind.

In the greatest story ever told, "One Piece", there is a man named Dr. Hiriluk. I won't go into his whole story, but his big speech is unforgettable. "When does a man die? Is it when a bullet pierces his heart? No... A man dies when he is forgotten."

The sentiment is made beautiful by the story, but I fear how easily I might be forgotten. I have no kids. No partner. I do have one niece and one nephew that any assets I have will go to them, but that's more out of convenience than anything. Right now I'd be known as the crazy cat man, and not much else. No one in my life would carry on my memory, except my cats. I'm SURE they would care!

I think of how many things I've experienced over the last 42 years. How much more I can experience over the next 40. My greatest fear is that nothing changes for the next chapters of my life. That I will find myself as a shut in, no one to talk to except my animals, and a life that felt wasted. How do I avoid this outcome? What do I do with this constant restlessness? How do I fill this void? When I had Orange Theory money I just smoked weed all day and drank all night. Now that I need to stick to more of a budget nicotine is my biggest vice and I've drastically cut back on everything else. I write more, and that is a helpful meditation. Better to have these thoughts outside my head rather than inside. It's a very mild fix, though. Almost like I can't write enough.

The only goal I have right now is to not let my work dictate my value. I've always seen my self value through my occupation. I want to do better to separate my personal life and my work life. My job now is just stocking shelves. Nice and simple. I can leave work at work. My personal life needs projects. Something I can be working towards over a longer period of time. Something to look forward to. People I know use taking a vacation as their motivation, but that has no appeal to me. I'm all about the staycations.

I don't know what carrot to dangle for myself. What kind of purpose I can make for myself and live that purpose? I'm so tired of giving myself. It's this one way street where I live my purpose and wind up with less than I started. I want to stay away from these one way streets. Boredom is easy to deal with. I can read, write, play video games; all kinds of different ways to deal with boredom. This void is different. I feel it when I read. When I'm playing games. This feeling that I am wasting my time and need to be doing something with purpose. I need to be bettering myself not enjoying myself.

I find myself going through the same motions each day wondering if THIS is the day that things will change. That today will be the day I'm broken out of my monotony. The day passes, and nothing changes. I remind myself that when I met my ex-wife I was spending all my time playing World of Warcraft. Even though I spent all my time playing games, it didn't stop me from experiencing the best years of my life. Those opportunites are still there. The best years of my life could still be ahead.

I described my current situation as being in uncharted but shallow waters. Even though I don't know exactly where I'll go from here, the waters are shallow enough I don't feel any danger. The bar has been set so low I don't fear failure. That's the intention. The future is different. I feel like drive to "make something" of myself. To live with "purpose". If I don't, I still "fail". These impulses are so vague it's maddening. If it was simple like fitness, no problem. Number go up= good. Number go down= bad. Simple. This is so nebulous. I can't come up with simple values, so I don't know how to quantify "purposeful" data. More money? More time? More socialization? More animals? What is the goal? The pages are too blank.

That is the responsibility of freedom. Taking uncharted paths. Making you own purpose. Living how one chooses rather than fitting into a proper mold. Writing your own story instead of following an outline. I'm scared of my story. Afraid people will see it as a waste. Afraid people will reject it. That people will laugh at it. But that's life. Taking risks. Hoping for the best outcome. Hope is still there. That my story will mean something. The pages are so blank, but they won't stay that way for long.