The More Things Change, The More They Remain The Same

I feel like philosophizing. The problem is my mind goes to moderately negative places. When I started this blog my intention was to collect my thoughts here, which at the time seemed uncharacteristically positive and hopeful. Then I started to realize outside my positive financial situation, I wasn't that hopeful at all. At the same time, I didn't want to platform these thoughts. I had new depressions. New problems that if I lingered on, they would win. Not acknowledging these thoughts allowed them to fester and become overwhelming. So my goal now is authenticity rather than aimless positivity.

I have no ambition. No goals. No direction. Plenty of accomplishments and AMPLE amounts of experience. Those experiences have led me to a place I call my "Soft Retirement". My cost of living is low enough that I can work part-time and still build my savings. I have an abundance of time and more than enough money. I have no goals because I don't want them. I have no direction because I'm at my destination. I don't want to build ANYTHING, and I wish I did.

There is a desire to step out of my shell. To build connections. With people. With organizations. I've been answering a call to serve for the passed 12 years. There is no greater joy to me than teaching and you can't do that alone. Sort of. Now I begin leaving the call to serve behind.

At the same time, my mind recoils at prospects of joy. Of getting a dog. Of falling in love with a woman. Of making new friends. Without fail, my mind jumps to the moments I lose them. They die. I die. We drift apart.

I've grown so distrustful of everything. It's entirely possible I am too naive. I've always been searching for a more genuine acceptance than I have found before and setting expectations that might be unreasonable. An acceptance that I can't believe exists. Excluding animals, which makes the prospect of their loss so much more terrifying. I often wake up from my dreams depressed. If my dreams have any common themes, there is only one I notice: support. There are always people around me that believe in me. However ridiculous the dream scenario, people around me think I can do it. And if I can't, they don't abandon me. I wake up and they're gone.

I know the importance of interpersonal connection. Experience has taught me that. Experience has also taught me that our culture punishes the "givers" and rewards the "takers". I've become extremely selfish with how I choose to give myself. I've come to the conclusion that it is less painful to be sad due to loneliness than to be sad due to the actions of another. Neither is a exactly a recipe for happiness, but if happiness is the absence of pain, maybe it is. Maybe it requires a perspective shift. I've cautioned people in the past about setting a binary goal for their happiness. That the only thing that passes for happiness is the best possible outcome and anything less is failure. You're not happy because it's not perfect, and that's not healthy.

I don't know how to let people in. I don't know how to trust. I feel like a part of me has broken and I'm in no rush to fix it. I don't understand people. I've got no problem connecting with people, while being someone others don't connect with. Reading this back it sounds like I'm on the verge of despair, but I'm trying to say the opposite. In my mind I'm bragging. People disappoint me. I've become very comfortable being at arms length. Trust just ain't worth the effort and I used to think that was because there was something wrong with me.

I hated school as a kid. It was this constant reminder that I was an outsider. I saw people just BE friends. It never felt that easy to me. Most of my years in elementary school were spent isolated. Especially at home. My mom worked late so I would usually be on my own from the time I got home until about 8:30ish. Even when I would stay with my dad on weekends there were no other kids around. It was all about the video games. All my time was spent alone and it felt miserable. I felt like I was in a prison and I didn't know what I did wrong.

There is a quote attributed to Heraclitus, "A man cannot step into the same river twice. He is not the same man, and the river is not the same river."

I think about my elementary school years often. The lack of any structure. The absence of connection. But it doesn't feel hopeless. It feels peaceful. I don't feel like an outsider, I feel like I'm on the outside. I may not be the same man and it may be different water, but it is most certainly the same river. What felt like a prison now feels like freedom.

There is still an inclination to feel like I "did it wrong". That the goal wasn't to end up with freedom, but with commitment. Or whatever you consider the opposite of freedom to be. Commitments like romantic partners, family and extended family, long-term occupation, property, and I don't even KNOW what else. These things used to give me a sense of reverence but now it just makes me feel tightness in my chest. All I see now are timebombs and I'm not starting THAT game of hot-potato.

I chalk that up to grass is greener thinking. Would I make some changes to my life? Sure, who wouldn't? I'd LOVE less freaking body hair. And if I were two inches shorter I'd probably be the greatest athlete the world has ever known. Those, however; are dreams.

Whenever I would think about the future I would divide things into two columns: Goals and dreams. My goals were things that were achievable but required time and effort. Running a marathon, having thirty clients, etc. Dreams were different. Dreams weren't about how hard I worked. These were what I wanted but didn't have a path to. Falling in love, starting a family, living on the family property, getting a hundred million dollars. I've got no problem with dreams, but you can't mix them up with the real world. If I had a wife and kids down in Jackson County would I still feel like I'm missing something? I really don't know. I celebrate the feeling of being in the same river again, but should I? Forty-two years old and I'm in the same river I was in when I was eight. Hardly seems like something worth celebrating.

I think fewer dreams and goals are fine. Maybe even necessary as you get older. Goals are exhausting. Literally the only thing I want is to enjoy my life. Not to have the best time ever all the time, but just be happy with the fruits of my labor. I spent years struggling to finally end up in a place of stability. A place I can be happy. What greater goal?